How to Communicate with Your College Student

Today we’re talking about something every parent thinks they’ve mastered… until they have teens and college students--Communication (seems like mostly arguing and negotiating??)

By the end of this episode, you’re going to have some solids techniques professionals use. 

You'll learn:

• Why talking to a 19-21 year-old is fundamentally different than talking to a 17-year-old.
• The “less is more” principle that defuses arguments before they start.
• Boundaries that stick without creating power struggles.
• How to know when to step in… and when to step back.
• And a three-step move to stop an argument in real time.

And yes, because I’m a generous guy I’ll script out exactly what to say — word for word. Hopefully it won’t sound too cheesy. 

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Transcript

Welcome back to The Better Semester podcast.

Today we’re talking about something every parent thinks they’ve mastered… until they have teens and college students.

Communication (sometimes it’s mostly arguing and negotiating)

Not the casual “How’s your day?” small talk — I mean the real stuff: conversations where trust, respect, and your relationship are on the line.

Here’s the bad news: most of us are doing it wrong. [pause]

Here’s the good news: there’s a playbook — and by the end of this episode, you’re going to have it.

We’ll cover:

• Why talking to a 19-21 year-old is fundamentally different than talking to a 17-year-old.
• The “less is more” principle that defuses arguments before they start.
• Boundaries that stick without creating power struggles.
• How to know when to step in… and when to step back.
• And a three-step move to stop an argument in real time.

And yes, because I’m a generous guy I’ll give you exactly what to say — word for word. Hopefully it won’t sound too cheesy. 

1: Why Communication Feels Different Now

Your son or daughter is not the same person they were two years ago.

In the U.S., 72% of first-year college students live away from home — and in just a few months, they go from curfew and parental check-ins to total freedom.

That freedom feels incredible to them… and a little terrifying to you.

They’re in what psychologists call “emerging adulthood” — they can legally vote, drive, and sign contracts, but their prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain that regulates planning and impulse control — won’t be fully developed until around age 28.

So what do you have?

• A parent in protect mode.
• A young adult testing (practicing) their independence.

Those two forces collide… and arguments happen.

ROLE-PLAY:

Escalating version:

“I haven’t heard from you all week! Are you avoiding me?”

What they hear: I’m in trouble.

Better version:

“I noticed we haven’t talked in a few days. I miss hearing from you — What time can we catch up this week?”

You’re communicating your feeling — not an accusation — and offering a clear, low-pressure next step.

2: The “Less Is More” Principle

I’ve been calling it the Decrease the quantity and increase the quality approach for 20 years but maybe I should call it the less is more principle (irony is not lost on me here). Let me ask you something: when you call a friend to vent, do you want them to immediately tell you what to do… or do you want them to just hear you?

College students are no different.

Here’s the principle: Listen first (Listen Loudly. Advise second (or not at all).

Why? Because this generation — Gen Z — grew up with 24/7 access to information. They don’t need your facts; they need you for perspective and venting.

ROLE-PLAY Time!:

Them:

“I bombed my chemistry test. I’m so stressed out.”

Your instinct:

“You need to study harder! How much time did you spend? Did you talk to the professor?”

Their reaction: defensiveness.

Better:

“That sounds frustrating. How can I best help? What do you think got in the way this time?”

Follow with:

“What’s your plan for the next test? Do you want my thoughts, or do you just need to vent?”

You’re giving them agency in the conversation — which, ironically, makes them more likely to want your advice.

3: Boundaries Without Power Struggles

Boundaries are not about control; they’re about clarity and behavior modifcation.

And clarity is currency with Gen Z.

This is a generation where 63% say they value independence over stability — which means they respect you more when you clearly state the terms instead of moving the goalposts.

Let’s take money.

Escalating version:

“You’re spending way too much money. I’m not giving you any more.”

Better:

“We agreed on a budget of $400 a month. If that runs out early, I can’t add more until next month. I trust you to decide how to use it.”

You’re calm, consistent, and handing them responsibility — which they’ll either manage… or learn from. This doesn’t mean they’ll remain calm. We’re focusing on what you have control over - setting and maintaining boundaries since you (presumably) have a fully functioning prefrontal cortex. 

4: When to Step In vs. Step Back

The hardest call you’ll make as a parent of a college student is: Do I step in, or step back? Refer to my recent blog post and episodes on how much is too much. 

Here’s the framework:

• Step in for safety — health crises, threats of harm, major legal trouble. Eminent risk requires adult action. This is not a time for processing thoughts and feelings. That comes later
• Step back for learning — roommate conflicts, time management, minor academic issues. This is the awful and necessary path to building adult humans from the playdough we are as children. Back off. 

Remember: over 60% of college students report having at least one roommate conflict — it’s a rite of passage, not an emergency. 

ROLE-PLAY:

Them:

“My roommate is a slob. I can’t take it.”

Overstepping version:

“I’m calling housing right now. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Better:

“That sounds tough. It must bother you to live around that. What have you tried so far? What would you like to do next?”

Offer help if they’re stuck:

“Want me to brainstorm with you, or do you want to handle it for now?”

You’re not solving the problem for them — you’re equipping them to solve it themselves.

5: The 3-Step Argument Diffuser

Arguments don’t usually start as explosions — they start as small sparks.

Here’s the three-step diffuser for you to use:

1. Pause. Take a breath before responding. Observe what you are feeling and thinking rather than jumping in to prove a point.
2. Reflect. “I hear you’re frustrated.” You might be wrong. That’s totally ok. The goal is the reflection, not the accuracy of the reflection.
3. Reset. Suggest a break and return later. Separate the conversation from the emotion by punting to talking about the subject tomorrow or next week. Unless it’s an emergency, address it later. 

Why does this matter? Because in the moment, your emotional brain is driving — not your rational brain. Same for them.

And here’s the generational twist: Gen Z has been labeled “the therapy generation.” Over 40% have seen a counselor or therapist — they’re familiar with emotional vocabulary. Using it with them builds trust.

ROLE-PLAY:

Them:

“You don’t understand anything I’m going through!”

Old version:

“Well, if you actually told me something, maybe I would!”

Better:

“You’re right — I might not fully understand. Help me see it from your perspective.”

You’re showing humility and curiosity — which diffuses tension instantly.

6: Building Connection Between Calls and Visits

Not every interaction should be about performance metrics — grades, jobs, internships.

In fact, research from Gallup shows that students who feel supported by family outside of academics are more engaged and less likely to drop out.

Low-pressure contact is the secret weapon.

Examples:

• Share a meme.
• Send a care package.
• Text: “Saw this and thought of you. No need to reply if you’re busy.”
• Give updates on other family members.

This is about maintaining the emotional equity in the relationship — so when you do need to have a heavier conversation, the foundation is strong.

Summary

Let’s recap the plays:

• Communicate feelings, not accusations.
• Listen first, advise second.
• Set clear, calm boundaries.
• Know when to step in and when to step back.
• Diffuse arguments with pause, empathy, and reset.
• Maintain connection outside of conflict.

Parenting a college student is not about control — it’s about cultivating influence.

And influence comes from trust.

They’re learning to be an adult. You’re learning how to parent one. It’s messy, yes — but it’s also an incredible opportunity for growth on both sides.